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I had this great idea for a new book this morning.  I think it would be a top seller.  It is the answer to the question that every guy wants to know, or thinks he does anyway. “How to Understand a Woman.” But as I thought about it, I think there’s only barely enough content for a blog post. Do they publish books that are only a few paragraphs long?  Probably not…

 

A couple weeks ago my husband sent me this mockup photo of a 3 foot tall book supposedly titled “How to understand women” or something to that effect. Earlier this week a teenage boy on my facebook posted a status message saying that he wished he could understand how a girls mind works. All his male buddies replied back something along the lines of “It’s impossible!” I replied that it really isn’t nearly as hard as they make it out to be.

 

I think the problem is more that men do not like the answer, so they struggle to find a different answer that is more to their liking. And sometimes women are looking for the same answer about men. One that won’t involve an emotional commitment from them. And thus the long diatribes that we read on the internet and in books which lead people to believe that understanding the opposite sex is a task only the bravest can undertake. Well, maybe it is, but not like they think.

 

See, the key to understanding women (and I believe this applies to understanding men too, but I’m not a man so I can’t speak from personal experience) is understanding that it matters. Whatever she is concerned about, matters. And you need to care about it. Yeah, that means the man has to actually care about the issue that is of concern to the woman. If he wants to understand her, he needs to feel some compassionate emotions for her, and for the issues she is facing, or the problems she is concerned about. That is all. I could stop writing here, and the answer would not be any more than this. You need to care.

 

Sometimes people need an example from a life experience – perhaps a hypothetical example – that will help them grasp this concept more fully. The situation could be that she has found an injured bumble bee in her garden, and she is upset about it, because she has read that bumble bees are slowly going extinct and she wants to save this one if she can, so it can live another day to pollenate another flower.  Or the situation could be that her best friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and not only is she worried that her friend might die, or maybe she isn’t worried that her friend will die but she is concerned about the pain and suffering her friend will have to endure to get well, but she is also worried that it could be her. What if she might get cancer someday? It’s all connected. And she has invested in her relationship with the man to such an extent that she is sharing these inmost thoughts with him, these deep heartfelt concerns and worries.  And she expects him to care about it. Because in showing care for the things that she is worried about, he shows care for her as a person, and respect for her as an intelligent human being, and he honors her as someone who is important in his life. Whether the issue is about an injured bumble bee, or a friend with cancer, he needs to care about it if he wants to understand her.

 

The moment the thought enters his mind “I don’t care about this” he has identified the problem.  The problem isn’t the bumble bee or the worry over the friend, the problem is that he doesn’t care. He may think the problem is that she is overly upset about a bee, or that she is taking the news about her friend much too personally, but what the real problem is as far as it relates to their ability to communicate and understand one another, is that he does not care. And if he actually utters the words within audible range “Why should I care about this?” he will be lucky if all she does is stomp out of the room crying. Because what she really would rather do is throw a cup of steaming hot coffee in his face, because that is how his attitude of apathy toward her feels like to her. When a man says he does not care about an issue that is of concern to a woman, it feels like he is throwing it in her face, and it stings, and it scars her delicate emotions.

 

So maybe he is wise enough to not actually say “I don’t care about this, why are you telling me?” and remains silent. He may think he has mastered the ruse, and will be able to carry on with his own personal concerns without offending the lady he loves. But what he doesn’t know is that she can identify the very moment when the expression on his face changes from one of interest and concern to one where he is thinking “How long do I have to sit and listen to this before I can get back to playing my game or watching my movie?” and she knows that he does not care. That disconnect in communication is rooted in a lack of genuine emotional investement in the person that is speaking. She may try to draw his attention back to her issue of concern, by restating the issue another way, to try to get him to understand what she is talking about and the severity of the concern. This is a second chance, this isn’t her “going on and on and on about something rediculous” this is her giving him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t grasp the severity of the issue the first time, and is offering him a second opportunity to communicate his love for her by demonstrating genuine concern for the same things she is concerned about. How he uses this opportunity will determine the outcome of the conversation, and maybe the relationship.

 

So that’s it really. There is no great mystery. No magical spell. No incantation. No secret password. No deep insights. Just sincerity. A woman wants someone to care about her. To care about the same things she cares about. And to be invested in the same things she is concerned about.

 

It might mean a guy has to turn off the game for 5 minutes, and not be upset about the interruption, to listen to her explain about their son’s injury that isn’t healing properly, or to help her decide what she is going to cook for dinner. When he acts more interested in his game than what she is saying, it communicates a non-verbal message that she is not important to him, that his personal entertainment is more important to him than his relationship with her. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” He needs to understand that she is not trying to ruin is life, she is trying to be part of his life, and she wants him to greet her with compassion, not irritation. If she cares enough about what he might like to eat for dinner, he needs to care about her effort to cook the dinner enough to give her his attention and respond intelligently, patiently, and appreciatively to her inquiry. You can cut off all the extra bits of that sentence down to “he needs to care” and that will be the answer to the eternal question of “How can a man understand a woman?” because to grasp the answer to anything, math, scientific theory, or the cause of an injury, one must first understand the question. So to understand a woman, a man must first care about the things she cares about, then he will understand why she cares, and ultimately, he will understand her.

 

It really isn’t that hard. But I think people – all people, male and female of all ages – are naturally self centered. Human beings are naturally inclined to the sentiment “what’s in it for me?” and tend to be inclined to ask the question “what have you done for me lately?”  This sentiment is what fractures relationships, and breaks friendships, and divides famlies. Because caring about someone else, and caring about the things they care about, is a very non-selfish thing to do. It means to care more about the other person and their interests, more than you care about yourself. And that is a hard thing. It is hard for men to do. It is also hard for women to do. It is hard because we all want others to care about us, but sometimes we don’t know how to care about others. This is why there are volumes of books written about how to understand men, and how to understand women, because they are all trying to answer the question from a selfish perspective. They may ask “How can I understand women?” but what they really mean is, “How can I get a woman (or man) to pay attention to me, without having to change my own behavior or habits?” And there is no way. We have to cast off the “old self” and cultivate a “new self” to achieve the changes we desire in our relationships. And it will be hard. We will still have our own aches, and pains, and scars, and needs, and we have to learn to overcome them in order to focus on the needs of the other person. And it might mean that they don’t notice our needs, for a while anyway, while they are recovering from their own injuries. Caring about the other person doesn’t mean loaning them a portion of your compasssion until it is paid back with interest. Genuine care and compassion is a grant of affection, free and clear of expectation of repayment. That’s what I mean when I say, it matters, and you need to care about it. You need to care about them, without expecting them to care about you. You need to care so much that their concerns are your concerns. The other person’s thoughts, feelings and ideas are important to them, and they need to become important to you. That’s the key. That’s the answer people say they are looking for. It probably isn’t the asnwer that they wanted though.

 

Some people would probably rather dance naked in the full moon around a bonfire at midnight than to invest their emotions in a long term relationship. But the relationship is far more rewarding. It matters. To both of you. And when you care about it, you will understand. And your love will grow.

 

God bless you.

-Laurene Wells

Written September 3, 2011

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